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18th of July 2018

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The internet mocks Alex Jones' conspiracy theory with #SecondCivilWarLetters

Alex Jones believes Democrats planned "civil unrest" for the Fourth of July. Maybe he's thinking of fireworks.Alex Jones believes Democrats planned "civil unrest" for the Fourth of July. Maybe he's thinking of fireworks.Image: Getty Images2018%2f04%2f02%2f74%2fheadshot.edeb7By Morgan Sung2018-07-03 19:01:44 UTC

Where will you be on the Fourth of July? 

Alex Jones thinks Americans will be fighting in a vicious battle over avocados and soy milk. The often disgraced conspiracy theorist and self-proclaimed "performance artist" claimed that Democrats are planning to launch a civil war on Independence Day in a tweet on Monday. 

In the video Jones posted, he ranted that "establishment publications" that communicate with the government instead of the general public "began to develop a plan" using civil unrest and "racial strife" in order to "force Trump out." 

OK, Alex. Maybe he misinterpreted the annual fireworks displays as "civil unrest." 

But his attempt at riling up the public was turned into a patriotic meme as Twitter users imagined where they would be if a second civil war broke out. 

Dearest Wife,Please allow me to unburden my soul. Earlier, at the Battle of Two Scoops, I killed an enemy soldier, a young lad who could not have been a day over 19. His last words shall haunt me for the rest of my life: “Womp Womp.” #secondcivilwarletters

— Ranjit Arab (@NotARaja) July 3, 2018

Twitter users responded withthe hashtag  #SecondCivilWarLetters, joking about battling incels and searching for Starbucks safe houses.

My dearest:

A brief skirmish yesterday against the 24th Kek Company, 3rd Incel Batallion ended in a terrible slaughter, though their commander sent a Gab post warning us that he had studied the blade. The field is a horror of blooded waifu pillows. #secondcivilwarletters

— Rick Wilson (@TheRickWilson) July 3, 2018

Dearest mother,We have taken control of the Chick-fil-a but I fear those Trumpsters have taken one of our Starbucks. We march at dawn for ice lattes and freedom.#secondcivilwarletters

— Zakary Haines (@Attack_Zak17) July 3, 2018

Like the correspondence between soldiers and their loved ones during the "first" American Civil War, Twitter users kept their spouses and family members posted with updates from the front lines of battle. 

#secondcivilwarletters

Dearest,

Our unit came upon a burned kek camp. Only later did we learn they had set themselves aflame with gasoline and fireworks. Somehow, this was to "own the libs".

I do not understand war.

— David Emery (@PleasantLiar) July 3, 2018

Charlotte mine,As tiki torches & poorly worded signs surround yon' Waffle House, I scribe unto thee my eternal love! #secondcivilwarletters

— John La Briola (@JohnLaBriola1) July 3, 2018

My Dearest Children,We have managed to capture and occupy the Chick-fil-a and Hobby Lobby. Our intention is to make the enemy eat gay sandwiches and do gay crafts.

With much love, Your libtard mother#SecondCivilWarLetters

— Jenerator⚡trump hater🌊🌊🌊 (@JenMac61) July 3, 2018

All:Our espresso machine is broken and our supply of Starbucks singles is running thin. Our avocado ration is cut in half and there's a 10-minute wait for a charging port. Sherman was right: War Is Hell.Sent by my iPhone #secondcivilwarletters

— chance (@pkrandall) July 3, 2018

It seems like everyone's running away to Canada.

Dearest Wife:

I hope this letter finds you safe in Canada. As I write this letter, our fortunes seem to have improved. It seems the opposing forces provisions have been plundered by their leadership. I see red caps strewn everywhere. Stay strong my love. #secondcivilwarletters

— Steve Redmond (@sjredmond) July 3, 2018

The leftist battalions also made fun of the alt-right's fondness for tiki torches, which is just about as intimidating as their khakis. War is rough, everyone. Where are the avocados??

Dearest Parents,The mess hall has run out of avocados so I was forced to top my toast with jam. The fog of war is so trying at times that even my therapy unicorn brings no comfort. 😢 #SecondCivilWarLetters

— Tim 🌊🏘 (@tim_username) July 3, 2018

"Captured at Bowling Green. In tolerably good health. Avocado hardtack rations meager and chicory covfefe drunk cold to avoid microwave surveillance. Capt. Kardashian to negotiate prisoner exchange."#secondcivilwarletters

— Kathy Olson (@Kathy_Olson) July 3, 2018

Dearest,An entire battalion of red hats fell to us yesterday. We made them read entire books of the Bible instead of out of context passages. The heads of three exploded on the spot others wandered away as if their lives were a lie.#secondcivilwarletters

— Pancho (@Panchopax) July 3, 2018

My Darling, War is hell. The Battle of Trader Joe's lasted many days. We lost half our battalion, some to enemy fire, some to the dreaded Covfefe virus. I still live, but for how much longer I do not know.

Pray for us.#secondcivilwarletters

— Kelli Crackel (@KelliCrackel) July 3, 2018

They did it to own the libs, obviously.

Dearest Family:

We put together a really bad video montage of Trump ordering his troops to charge us naked with no guns and broadcast it at the enemy lines as a joke.

But they actually charged us. Naked. With no guns.

Will be home for dinner.#secondcivilwarletters

— Pé Resists (@4everNeverTrump) July 3, 2018

My dear wife,Most of my battalion has succumbed to smallpox. The horrid disease was thought to have been eradicated shortly after the last civil war, but the enemy troops we recently faced were all unvaccinated. #secondcivilwarletters

— Tom Filline (@FillineMachine) July 3, 2018

#secondcivilwarletters My Dearest Husband,

At long last, by the grace of God & a lucky Uber alone, our Hortons Battalion has reached our American comrades. We brought with us shoes & poutine. Morale has soared. Gen. Maddow and Captain Avenatti will be leading our charge at dawn

— Nurit (@nuritgreenfinch) July 3, 2018

It's all quiet on the far right front. 

I stared at the dying soldier, his Alt-Reich Douchestaffel uniform covered in blood.

He gripped my arm, eyes wild with fear of impending death.

"One question..." he gasped.

"Anything," I said.

With his last breath he sighed, "What is a clitoris?"

#secondcivilwarletters

— Rick Wilson (@TheRickWilson) July 3, 2018

In the video he released with his tweet, Jones actually admitted: "I'm not that smart!" 

"How did you know they were planning a civil war," Jones asked nobody in particular, before claiming that news organizations have been planning this "civil war" all along. "I told you! I'm not that smart!" 

So no worries, you won't have to fight through Chick-Fil-A on the Fourth of July. Alex Jones himself said he isn't that smart. 

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